2016 predictions by Bob Ryan

predictions 2016Sure….it’s past time for this…but I wanted to be very careful…deliberate…consider all the angles….be extremely careful In developing these important prognostications…. so let’s dig out the crystal ball…brush it off to clear out the Star Wars haze over it….here we go….

 

…Brian Quick, after his 4 seasons with the Rams, says that he’s now ready to learn more than his 3 pass patterns but don’t ask him to spell his alma mater—Appalachian State

 

….in a stunning turn-around, the NCAA announces that they will be extending bowl games! In the new format, with the consideration of everyone must be a winner these days, ALL NCAA teams will participate as there will be a continuous non-stop flow of bowl games on TV from Dec 15 through Jan 1…some games of the non.500 teams will be shown at 3:00am in the morning so as to ensure not many people will get sick as they watch it..think of the possibilities of the new sponsors…No-Doze, 24 hour fast-food places, Quick Mart(so you could run over for more food in the middle of that key 4:00am game)

 

….Matt Holliday works all spring to “learn” 1B only to pull a hamstring on his first full stretch in the regular season and misses all games until after the All-Star break

 

….SLU and Mizzou announce a basketball series with a new twist…the First team to reach 60 points–wins the game….some sponsors were thrilled that it may take several hours to achieve such a lofty goal and the they would get many “spots” to run during the game

 

….at the 1st Cards-Cubs game in the Lou….John Lackey gets cheered while Jason Heyward gets boos galore…u figure out the StL fans…both left for the Cubs & for money…one never claimed to love the city and the other praised his new team (wouldn’t u?)

 

…Jonathan Papelbon gets named to the US negotiating committee with N. Korea for his superb communication skills and smooth personality

 

….despite all the Card-press proclamations, Alex Reyes is brought up 21 days after his suspension ends as a starter for the Cards as Garcia & Wacha go on DL in June.

 

…..John Hekker gets approached by WWE officials after his cowardly push in the back of a Seahawk followed by his cringing as he anticipated being blocked himself….he seems to have many of the “moves” required by the WWE…he’ll be known as Johnny the Heckler

 

….MO plays “stand by your man” as he enthusiastically supports Brandon Moss in spring training as he points out that if Moss had been at the plate as often as Heyward ….Moss would have “blasted 16 HR” not 13 like Heyward

 

….the Blues actually win 2 playoff series (and make it to the Division final) the city…sensing this historic achievement, throws a parade for them …the parade route is through Dogtown with the Towel Man throwing towels off the front car

 

….an MLS team decides to accept the St. Louis offer to build a new stadium and agree to rent it out on Sundays to the NFL….they name the team the St. Louis Roamers

 

….Randall Grichuk, true to form, ends up on DL twice in 2016

 

…after the Blues reach the conference finals, Ken Hitchcock retires immediately sensing that he’s reached the pinnacle of any Blues team this century…really he’s off a bit…the Blues reached the conference finals in 2000-01 and before that it was 1992-93

 

… FredBird challenges all the Milwaukee sausages to a race….of course all of the Fred-Bird girl-gang sling-shots him to the front (like they do with shirts) but Fred is off balance and lands in the Brewers dugout where a fight begins between the over-heated sausages and the now wing-less Bird. Bad-blood spills over since Milwaukee says the Cards are “disrespecting them”…this is the most emotion and most excitement seen in Brewer Stadium all season

 

….a reaction to the new NCAA non-stop bowl season for 3 weeks proposed above is that many new sofas are purchased since men now find themselves sleeping on the sofa for a couple weeks

 

…Payton Manning retires and Papa John’s Pizza sales drop off 40% (except in Colorado where Manning owns 20 of them)

 

….Mizzou’s highly ranked Women’s basketball team draws larger crowds than the men for the first time in February…Mizzou then schedules the women games for Saturday afternoon and the men’s games for Thursday nights

 

….Michigan State coach, Mark Dantonio, hoping to overcome a long-term “phobia”, has all of his players run through the end zone so that they get a “feel” for what the end zone actually feels like after facing Bama

 

….Stephen Piscotty becomes a daily player and has a terrific first full season.

 

…Rams look to hire an Offensive Coordinator who realizes that passes are permitted on 1st down in the NFL and promises to try that “outrageous” technique on occasion in 2016

 

…Brandon Moss hit 15 HR by June 15 but only 6 in the rest of the season.

 

…Maty Mauk is named Starter for the 1st game…in protest, Drew Lock quits the team….8 weeks later Mauk is suspended again so Mizzou starts a new Frosh QB for 4 weeks

 

…MLB determines that the appeals are taking too long….r u kidding me….they’re WAY too long…anyway….a new interpretation is installed, MGR now have 30 seconds to determine if they are going to appeal…the goal is make the MGR have the same basic view as the umpires…with their eyes only

 

…when Chip Kelly learns that his “separation” from Philly was in part due to missing an Eagle Christmas Party, he demands that in his new contract that HE’LL be the one in charge of the Christmas Party since he wants to be in charge of EVERYTHING (then he’ll cancel it)

 

…Manifesto Mike proclaims in spring training that he’ll rest the starters more often (as he did last year) when Peralta played 155 games, Carpenter & Heyward-154 each, Wong -150 games and even Mark Reynolds played 140 games…no one believes him

 

….Curt Schilling, left out of the HOF again this year, feels wronged. He feels that voters are discriminating again him since he’s a Republican, so he protests by camping out on the HOF grounds. Eventually, the HOF director resigns; Schilling goes home to run for President.

 

…In the “Cardinal Way” of honoring former players….the Cards honor Vince Coleman with a tarp for his back yard…including instructions on how to avoid using it

 

…Albert decides to retire….he asks the Angels to trade him back to the Cards for the final game so that the can retire as a Cardinal….Card fans are overwhelmed and cheer him for 3 straight minutes….Albert then strikes out but points to the heavens (as he always did for HR) on his way back to the dugout

 

…In an effort to speed up the game, MLB prohibits the use of batting gloves…noting their questionable value vs the excessive amount of time consumed to “tighten” them…

 

…Kolton Wong, the 1st Card 2B to hit double digit HR in back-back years since Rogers Hornsby 1920-25 (who did it 6 straight years) and Frankie Frisch (1927-28-10 HR each year), decides he’ll now abandon any base stealing to upgrade his power…heck, he knows who gets the big paychecks..btw…Hornsby was traded for Frisch !!…

 

…Cards make the playoffs as a wild card and upset the Cubbies by bunting against John Lackey in the key game 2 of the series

 

….2016 will be fun!  

 

 

 

Comments

  1. George Deschler says:

    How about just a short message next time!

  2. Joel delpha says:

    Clever

  3. Jim Pleimann says:

    How can the Cardinals make it as a wild card team when you have all their players on the disabled list? On a serious note…. I wonder what is so wrong about a few guys playing 140-155 games? Isn’t that what they did in the glorious “old days”? They seemed to survive.

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