BS goes to Judge Roy Beans Court by Bob Ryan

judge roy beanBob Straightalk finds himself Just West of the Pecos River…..he’s in the court of Judge Roy Bean under charges of “leading the denigration of the Cardinals”…

 Judge Bean…. Welcome Sir….it seems your last article rankled too many real ardent Cardinal fans….so he’s here in Langtry where there aren’t any appeals, hung juries and each jury member (the best drinkers of Roy’s saloon) doubled as his jury. They were expected to buy a drink during each recess….oops…here we go…

 Judge: Well welcome… BS….you’ve been accused of continually bashing the Cardinals….I mean…if I’m reading my Langtry paper right…they are in 1st place with the best record in the MLB…now son….this is a serious charge…I mean you could be ostracized from the StL community…ya’ll are like the whole StL town..nag, nag, never good enough, crab about this loss or that sub or that “move”…I mean….don’t ya’ll have the best team record in MLB ?…I mean whatta gotta do to pls ya folks… whatta say for urself?

 BS…well Judge….I’m trying to balance some of the wildly blind feelings about this baseball team….everyone in the Lou seems to expect 160 wins a year…that every player must pledge his oath of “this is always where I wanted to play”, that any player brought up from the minors is going to be a star within 3 days, that any player that is here 8+ years will be in the HOF…

Judge Bean….hold on there Sonny….don’t tell me why you did something…we don’t care about motives here….we care about actions…so tell me about your actions..

BS…..Well Judge I have commented recently that fans were on the backs of Trevor Rosenthal because he doesn’t retire the “side” in 9 pitches….that RandalI Grichuk is coming on as a possible Rookie of the Year…. That Kolton Wong was really a good player…I compared Yadier to HOF catchers…said earlier that the relief appearance of the emotionally fragile Carlos Martinez seems to have put him off kilter….I said in early May that the Cards may have the best middle infield in Peralta & Wong….I bemoaned the lack of speed in the off-season but that’s been rectified

 Judge Bean….So….sonny ya all don’t think you’ve been hard AT ALL on those Birds …not one bit?

 BS: Well….that’s tough Judge….when I see something I say it but….this team has the best record in baseball by far—they are really great but NO ONE is perfect and an occasional slap across the back of the head does wonders (right Mark Harmon?)….but that’s no guarantee of success in post-season…it’s the Atlanta model—good pitching , spotty hitting…..and you see that they won 1 World Series in 14 consecutive playoff years…further, Your Honor…this team has this gaudy record with NO super stars and their two best returning veterans contributing little or nothing depending which player that ur looking at for the moment….they probably have the best coaching staff that has developed and improved players at the Minor league land Major League levels….probably have the best defense in the entire MLB … and..

 Judge Bean….Okay…Okay…I’ve had it …ur sentenced to ONE good item on the Cards every blog..ur fine…hmmm…how about driving by Ted Drewes 3 straight times without stopping..everyone drink up…now next on the docket….Mr. Joe Madden…you’ve been accused of ruining the Cubs image..


Joe Madden….Your honor…I’m working to remove the “hapless, inept yet lovable” image of our Cubbies…I was brought in after being in last place five straight years….we could only go in one direction…we

 Judge Bean….yea…yea…but why?

 Madden….well, the real reason is what it always is…money….2008 saw our all-time high in attendance when we finished 1 game behind…we’ve dropped beneath 3 mil in attendance the last 3 years…so I was brought in by a new GM to get some excitement again with fresh young players…

 Judge Bean….but we luv that ineptitude…heck remember last year when the ground crew bungled up the field so bad that they had to call the game….we luv when the cubbies blow leads in games, commit errors, throw to wrong bases…..and seem to care less…

 Madden….sir….excuse…we’re trying to remove that imagae…please note that Starlin Castro is now on the bench as a 5 year starter at 25 due to that approach…we

Judge Bean…enough…enough….you’re fined …you’ll be limited to 4 years in Chicago and then go to NYY, LA Dodgers, Tx Rangers ..or heaven forbid the LA Angels…have a drink everyone….now next up is Coach Gary Pinkel…Coach….you’re all accused of trying to bully others…….ya all know too well the attitude these days about bullying…lucky of us here in Langtry…I take care of all the bullies


Coach Pinkel….Your honor…I’m not sure of the exact charges…could you specify?

 Judge Bean….well…you been lecturing some school in S.Bend Indiana about not being in a conference as if to say that they have a weak schedule and are trying to sneak past the hall monitors to work their way into the Playoff Final 4 Room..

 Coach…but your honor …we’re in the SEC…everyone should do it our way …we

 Judge Bean….yea….yea…but according to my sources last year, ND played 4 teams in the top 25 and beat LSU in a bowl game while you played only 1 team in the top 25—Bama, and lost….now I never heard them say that they belonged in the final four…so why does in bother you….I mean in your non-league schedules …it’s a joke…last year it was the Jackrabbits, Toledo Rockets, UCF and a woeful Indiana team that actually beat you…and this year..

 Coach…Your Honor….our sole concern is the SEC..that’s where the money…oops … the big games are at …we

 Judge Bean….well that’s clear…you have SEMO as a non-league opponent this year …which btw…is listed as one of the top 5 nonconference mismatches in the entire US of A..isn’t it who you play not which conference that they fall in? what’s more important…quality schedules from across the country vs quality schedules from 12 teams… does it matter to you?  

 Coach…it’s not fair….I get Alabama in 2018 and 2025… like it or not….

 Judge Bean….enough…coach….ya’ll guilty…we be expecting you to work with this new AD in …where is it….Columbia…to upgrade to at least ONE quality non-conference opponent…learn a little history Coach…read about one of your predecessors, Al Onofrio….he played everyone… …now I know it’s a much greater chance of losing and dropping in those ever so important early weeks of the top 10..or top 25…but all ya have to do is win the good…but surely not great….SEC east to make the conference championship game …win it and bingo…forget your early season loss….ur in the Final Four… well…that wraps it up… gotta go now and serve some more drinks…


Court observer…..anyone wishing to react…and after talking to Coach Pinkel this week…I know we’ll be hearing from Jim and/or Adam….at the top of this column is a response box…hit it and type away or send Bob an email…thx for attending the Judge Roy Bean Court.


From Wikipedia…more on Judge Bean

Bean did not allow hung juries or appeals, and jurors, who were chosen from his best bar customers, were expected to buy a drink during every court recess.[11] Bean was known for his unusual rulings. In one case, an Irishman named Paddy O’Rourke shot a Chinese laborer. A mob of 200 angry Irishmen surrounded the courtroom and saloon and threatened to lynch Bean if O’Rourke was not freed. After looking through his law book, Bean ruled that “homicide was the killing of a human being; however, he could find no law against killing a Chinaman“. Bean dismissed the case.

By December 1882, railroad construction had moved further westward; so Bean moved his courtroom and saloon 70 miles (110 km) to Strawbridge. He sent for his children to live with him at the saloon, with youngest son Sam forced to sleep on a pool table. A competitor who was already established in the area laced Bean’s whiskey with kerosene. Unable to attract customers, Bean left the area and went to Eagle’s Nest, 20 miles (32 km) west of the Pecos River. The site was soon renamed Langtry. The original owner of the land, who ran a saloon, had sold 640 acres (2.59 km2) to the railroad on the condition that no part of the land could be sold or leased to Bean. O’Rourke, the Irishman whose case Bean had previously dismissed, told Bean to use the railroad right-of-way, which was not covered by the contract. For the next 20 years, Bean squatted on land he had no legal right to use. Bean named his new saloon The Jersey Lilly in honor of Lillie Langtry,[7] who recounted in her autobiography that she had visited the area after Bean’s death.

Langtry did not have a jail, so all cases were settled by fines. Bean refused to send the state any part of the fines, but instead kept all of the money. In most cases, the fines were made for the exact amount on the accused’s person. Bean is known to have sentenced only two men to hang, one of whom escaped. Horse thieves, who were often sentenced to death in other jurisdictions, were always let go if the horses were returned. Although only district courts were legally allowed to grant divorces, Bean did so anyway, pocketing $10 for each divorce. He charged $5 for weddings, and ended all wedding ceremonies with “and may God have mercy on your souls” (traditionally the end of a death sentence).

Bean won re-election to his post in 1884, but was defeated in 1886. The following year, the commissioner’s court created a new precinct in the county and appointed Bean to be the new justice of the peace. He continued to be elected until 1896. Even after that defeat, he “refused to surrender his seal and law book and continued to try all cases north of the tracks”.[


Quite a character, heh?





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