Valentine’s Day Gifts by Bob Ryan

vd 2016It’s that time of year….candy, flowers, a dinner….whatever….you want to please your sweetheart. Well….sometimes…it seems to me….valentine gifts maybe given to “special ones’ who aren’t our lovers, wives, friends, etc….I’m not saying that many of these would happen…but ya never know….

…..Jeff Fischer received a Check and a piece of toast from Stanley Krockeety….saying…thanks for playing with the losers that we provided you with over the last 5 years….enclosed is a bonus check…and….you better win this year or you’re toast….

…..Manifesto Mike received a muzzle back that he had given to John Lackey last year on Valentines with a note that said….THX manifesto….now I can talk about my Mgr again…someone else will need it from your team this year.

.…Kim Anderson has received a “pincher” to wake him up from this dream

….Ken Hitchcock received a box of CherriOs from his team…as the cheeriO’s represent their offensive production throughout most of this year

….Cam Newton received a microphone for future use from the Carolina Press organization

….Lou Brock has received an invitation to spring training to demonstrate to the players how to steal bases …as he does right now…. as a 76 year old, slow man

….Peyton Manning received a Social Security app from his Dad, Archie, as a hint

…Roger Dumbnall asked for the music sheets of the songs of the halftime performance since he didn’t understand any of it

….Matt Adams received a sponge from the Matt Holliday to remind him that he’s being squeezed out

….Lou Saban gave a book on ”How to Over-Recruit in the last week” to Barry Odom

…Tom Brady wins the “White Collar-TV show” Award…he’s most like the star of the show…..handsome, glib, clever, smooth, suave, always a beauty on his arms and yet ya know he’s cheating you somehow

….Jaime Garcia received a copy of the book by Bob Gibson, “Pitching with Heart” but he didn’t have the courage to open it!

…the Blues receive back from DL—Jaden Schwartz…it’s a great gift!

….Jason Heyward has received back his smile at seeing so many locker stools & playgame stations instead of rocking chairs & stock pages in the locker room

….John Harbaugh received GPS Monitoring Device from the Big 10 as they try to regulate him while he stretches every college rule as he takes his team to Florida for spring practice…oopps…spring break

…. Brayan Pena received a seat cushion from Tony Cruz

….Craig Kuligowski received a spray of ”smelling like roses” after receiving his “Dear John” from coach Odom….Coach K landed a job at Miami U….the U

….Dave Peacock received a huge sucker from Stan Krockeety

….Chip Kelly received a calendar from the 49’ers so he doesn’t miss or try to reschedule THEIR Christmas party

….Drew Lock has received a Book on “How to Handle Post Game Interviews as a starting QB for several years”

…the Cardinals organist just received some new tunes for the 8th inning so that the fans won’t continue the “wave” like they’ve done since 1975

…Frank Cusamano has received some delicious sweet wine to assist him in overcoming his bitterness over the Rams

…Rick Pitino received a certificate as the Winner of “Pinocchio of the Year Award” after his press conference that he “didn’t have any knowledge” of the female hosts providing sex favors and provocative that what you call strip dancing?…. for his recruits

…John Harbaugh gets a gold star for creativity on “signing day” as he has a wide range of stars —Tom Brady, Derek Jeter and Ric Flair – attending the event

…the NFL relocation committee receives a “slap in the face” award for thinking that their committee really meant anything

…Philadelphia 76’ers (8-45) thus far in the season win both the half-full and half-empty award…it’s half empty because they have to play 29 more games and half full because they already have 53 games behind them

…Yadi received the lyrics to “All I want for Valentines is my two good thumbs” to the sound of “All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”

…Brian Quick has received an upgrade to his 3 page playbook…it’s up to 4 pages

…Cam Newton apparently received a contract for Snickers…ya know the one where a person is really grumpy, eats a snickers, and returns to his/her old happy self….he could have used it at the press conference where he didn’t talk for 3 minutes…personally….I can’t imagine not talking for 3 straight minutes

…Maty Mauk received a book on”How to tear up your resume and start over”

…Roger Dumbnall just received notice that the Super Bowl is over

…Johnny Peralta received a bicycle mirror to attach to his ball cap so that he doesn’t have to look over his shoulder at Adedmys Diaz who’s gaining on him

…All of you just received an imaginary prize for making it to the bottom …