2017 Resolutions by Bob Ryan

For some reason, many people feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions….to make determined decisions to change one’s life is good…but it doesn’t have to be limited to New  Years Day….so in the spirit of the season….here we go…some may include writers’ liberty… 

….Manifesto has resolved NOT to use Yadi in more than 135 games….this is a resolution that he makes annually…but he claims that THIS will be the case in 2017……yea…right..he’s done more than that EVERY year…save one when he was injured…since 2009

…the NCAA may resolve to consult us for some new Bowl names…how about.. Stevie Wonder Bowl—nobody should see these teams; Bottom of the Barrel Bowl-the teams with the 2 worst records ; the Fair2middlin’ Bowl—limited to .500 teams; the Butch Cassidy Bowl—who are these guys? the Waste Management Bowl—we take all the trash (teams below .500); the OMG Bowl—how did these teams ever get to bowl? Last one Standing bowl…all viewers are challenged to take a new drink with each score by either  team…with these total scores now around or over 100 points….it’ll be a challenge to keep standing 

….Despite the rumors, Stan Kroenke has resolved   to stop trying to imitate Donald Trump…although the only words we’ve heard from him in the last several months ..maybe years…is “YOUR FIRED”

….St Louis U has resolved NOT to play Harris-Stowe …despite the pressure to get wins

….Al Davis..from his grave…has continued to resolve that he’ll curse the Raiders until California approves a new stadium in Oakland..the latest of Al’s curses is the broken leg of QB Derek Carr

….Alabama has resolved to decline the R_ _  _ offer for a pre-season game
….Chris Long has resolved to express his gratitude to the Rams for releasing him and permitting him to play on a REAL NFL team in New England

… Wake Forest has resolved to exile their radio announcer, Tommy Elrod, to Russia to join Edward Snowden after it was found that Elrod was feeding Wake pre-game plans/ideas to their opponents for 2 years

….Barry Odum has resolved to improve the defensive line to the point that it matches the efficiency of the offensive line

…the NCAA has resolved never to interview Keith Jackson(excellent long time play-play announcer who’s now retired 10 years) again …after Jackson, during his Rose Bowl interview…says that the damage of football coverage is too many games…over saturation

…At West Point, the upper brass have resolved to drill all the Cadets in  jumping onto the field  properly and in unison after beating Navy ….after thousands did so without any practice whatsoever this year

…Arizona Diamondbacks have resolved to abandon those ugly grey uniforms…I mean…with the 2016 debacle…everything must change….except Tony

…Nick Saban & Urban Meyer have resolved to allow 2 other teams to join them annually in the NCS football playoffs

….Seeing its profitability …the NHL has resolved to increase the # of outdoor games

….Both N Carolina & Kentucky basketball teams have resolved to work on their defense..at least 10 minutes a day… as EACH team scored over 100 points  against each other in their December game

….Mgr Mike Matheny has resolved not to step up to the top step of the dugout, wait and then decline to  appeal more than 54x this season (that’s approximately 1/3 of the games)

….the NCAA has resolved to remove bowl opportunities from Boise Idaho after two players completely untouched on two different plays, slipped on the unbelievably wet blue turf and injured themselves to the point that they were taken out of the game in the PotatoHead Bowl Game

….the Cardinals have resolved to stop referring to Adam Wainwright as their #1 in 2017

….Travis Ford has resolved to NEVER go through another season like 2016 again

….ESPN has resolved to include the SF Giants & the LA Dodgers sometime in the 2018 Sunday Night Baseball Schedule (currently– neither is scheduled for any telecasts in 2017 SNB)

….After getting a taste on the “other side” from Clemson…Urban Meyer has resolved not to run it up again after beating Rutgers 53-0, Nebraska & Maryland by 62-3 scores this year

….Ken Hitchcock has resolved to tell us why he really left the Blues in 2019

….Kevin Slaten has resolved to be back on the StL radio waves in 2017

….LeBron James (now #8 in NBA scoring) has resolved to become the all-time leader scorer in 2022

….Mizzou’s recruiters have resolved to get more than 1 player …which they have now in verbal commitments…from the list of Post-Dispatch All Metro Players

….John Lackey has resolved to smile at least once in 2017

….the most interesting “man In the world” has resolved to stop kicking coconuts between camels J

….the Oakland Raiders resolve to remind all NFL fans of their wonderful history in this playoff season, especially the success of John Madden (#1 winning percentage in modern era of NFL with .750%   103-32-7 who has been relegated to being remembered for his announcing and the Maddon football game

….Red Sox resolved to settle their plethora of starting pitching surplus by dumping Clay Buchholz to the Phils for a handshake…Buchholz now basically becomes the Phillies ace

….Coach K has resolved not to let Grayson Allen ruin his New Years..outta sight..outta mind

….Les Snead (Rams GM) has resolved that he’ll continue working towards winning the Barney Fife Award for being  the weakest  “2nd” man of any group

….many NCAA football teams have resolved to imitate the U of Minnesota solution to player protests about suspensions of certain players…the Gophers coaches brought in the entire team and opened up the 60 page report on the sex abuse charges against their teammates…protest ended ….and Minnesota won the bowl game to boot!

….25 year old Carlos Martinez resolves to pitch 200 inn (for the 1st time), win 17+ game (for the 1st time) and to keep his hits/9 inn under 8.0 as he did in 2016.

….after failing to be successful on the R_ _ _ stadium proposal and now the MLS stadium proposal, Dave Peacock has resolved NOT to work for the Blues in a new arena proposal

….Ehren Earleywine (Mizzou softball coach) resolves to let one of his 4 assistant coaches deal with any “personal” issues of his highly successful softball team and with the press while he just coaches

….Dan McLaughlin has resolved to make at least 1 more reference to Deke Dodem during a 2017 Cardinal broadcast

….the NBA has resolved to stop publishing immediately after the game their report on the referees calls in the final 2 minutes of the game

….the R _ _ _ have resolved to win more games next year…what a lofty goal, heh?

….the Angels have resolved to sign players to a one year contract (like Ben Revere) and never again to go the Albert Pujols route …of course, this resolution excludes Mike Trout

….Bob has resolved to bring these resolutions to an end……thanks for making it to the bottom 



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